A VORTEX OF STUPIDITY

Well, it’s finally happened. Miller has solved all of humanity’s problems thanks to the tireless efforts of their R&D department. We’ve entered a new age of beer drinking. A new age of peace, prosperity, and watered-down lager being delivered down your esophagus in the most rapid manner possible. We’ve entered the age…of the Vortex Bottle.

As near as I can tell, the Vortex Bottle has absolutely no reason for existing. Miller execs claim the “innovation” was designed to “create buzz and excitement”. Apparently Miller is now being run by the marketing execs that invented Poochy. What exactly does this inane product do? It has “interior grooves” etched into the bottleneck which create a “vortex of beer as you’re pouring.” Hooray! I was so tired of my beer pouring out of the bottle with no regard for the Coriolis effect.*

*I hope the interior grooves are reversed in Australia.

Why would you want your beer to pour out in a vortex? You wouldn’t. It’s the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. Theoretically, if the beer was being agitated as it left the mouth of the vessel it was contained in, that would create a bigger head and therefore more aroma. The problem is that Miller’s vortex “technology” is connected to a BOTTLE. A bottle can’t hold a head and gives off no aroma when you’re drinking from one since your lips cover the entire opening (kind of like the middle person in a Human Centipede…only what they consume probably tastes better than Miller Lite). If you want to get more aroma and a bigger head from your beer, do what every Alehead on Earth has been doing for centuries. Pour your beer into a goddamn glass! Bottles are just storage containers. They are the least effective means of drinking a brew if you have any interest in flavor, aroma, or character.

I suppose a vortex bottle “might” pour slightly faster than a regular bottle. But the difference has to be so ridiculously minor as to be pointless. Plus, if the goal of your R&D department is to create a way for your customers to consume your product for as little time as possible, well…you probably don’t make a very good product.*

*One unintentionally hilarious aspect of the vortex is that the designers essentially turned the Miller Lite bottleneck into the barrel of a rifle. I like imagining that Miller Lite drinkers are sticking gun muzzles in their mouths.

And that gets me to my biggest issue with this whole concept. Why does Miller continue to pump SO much time and money into dicking around with the packaging of their products? The reason they’ve lost market share recently has nothing to do with whether they use aluminum bottles, sleeker 12-pack boxes, or goddamn vortex bottlenecks. It’s because their product is horsepiss. If they spent even 1% of their marketing budget on actually taste-testing their beer, perhaps they’d realize that.

So if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to let another vortex take care of the contents of my bottle of Miller Lite.

*FLUSH*

*Editor’s Note: Brother Barley does not, nor has he ever, actually owned a bottle of Miller.


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6 comments

  1. Wow, I almost sliced my lip on my Coors widemouth can while reading that. Luckily the beer was flowing so quickly down my gullet as to avert disaster. That was close

  2. Were the mountains on that Coors widemouth can blue? Or were they silver? I have to assume they were blue, because if they had turned silver, you might have actually been able to taste the beer. Which would have been disastrous in its own right.

    Word from the wise: you can distinguish the color of those mountains by looking through the special window they provide you in the cardboard case.

  3. Mine was a vintage Coors circa 1987, so back in the days when we had to use touch and feel to figure out if something was cold. The corn harvest was particularly spectacular that year as reflected in the well-balanced piss to vomit ratio. I’ll give the rest of the plastic ringed sixer another couple years before things really open up – Still pretty tight. Looking forward to the days when Oskar Blues throws some mountains on their cans. I’m just so confused as to whether or not I want my Imperial Stouts at freezing or just above freezing temps.

    An aside to the vortex. Went out for drinks last night and got to experience first-hand the vortex of stupidity (By first-hand, I of course mean second-hand. Never would I sip the Lite of Millers). The regular Miller Lite drinker said it made no difference in speed but did bring more taste to the beer. Maybe the vortex opens up the nose a bit? Bringing more taste to Miller Lite is a very, very bad thing.

  4. [...] Aleheads disdain for Big Beer advertising has been mentioned in the past, but few campaigns have riled us up quite as fervently as Miller [...]

  5. [...] face is that our consumers can still “taste” our product. We tried to fix that with the Vortex Bottle, but it still wasn’t getting our shitty beer past consumers’ taste buds fast enough. [...]

  6. [...] Rectal Brews: After vortex bottles, widemouth cans, and double-vented cans fail to win over new customers, Big Beer decides to take an [...]

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