The first television commercial for Anheuser Busch’s new baby to run during the Super Bowl set what is perhaps a new gold—NO—PLATINUM! standard for stupid, macro-beer advertising. For a 30 second commercial, it features a truly staggering amount of misinformation, empty buzzwords and vaguely offensive subtext. Before doing anything else, you ought to just watch.
Back? Good. So, the spoken dialogue is thus:
“Man has long dreamed of turning lead into gold. We dreamed of turning gold into platinum.”
May I direct you to the closing prices of gold and platinum yesterday on the open market?
Gold: $1,747.43 per ounce
Platinum: $1,647.00 per ounce
So they dreamed a dream of transforming gold into a less valuable substance, then. SAVVY BUSINESS STRATEGY, guys.
It’s indicative of how clueless Anheuser truly is when it comes to unrolling new products these days. In short, they just don’t know what to do, when it comes to increasing interest in their stagnant brands. To anyone with even a cursory idea of the position they’re in, the entire chain of events that leads to a product rollout like this seems obvious:
1. Execs demand that the brain trust comes up with “something” to bring positive growth back to the light lager market.
2. Brain trust knows it can’t actually make the core product taste better, so gimmickry is literally the only available option.
3. We get poorly researched, buzzword-laden commercials for the same product with more alcohol, or for bottles with “vortex grooves.” This product fails.
4. Repeat the same process with no sense of pattern recognition.
The rest of the commercial’s dialogue: “Triple filtered. Smooth finish. Top shelf taste. Introducing Bud Light Platinum.”
Those words up there? They don’t mean anything. They’re not worth your consideration. Just forget them.
It also must be noted that I got a huge kick out of the subtext presented by Anheuser’s choice of background track for the commercial, which is the opening of Kanye West’s “Runaway.” This is a song with the following lyrics:
“Let’s have a toast for the douchebags, let’s have a toast for the assholes, let’s have a toast for the scumbags, every one of them that I know, let’s have a toast to the jerkoffs.”
Straight from the commercial, folks—it’s Anheuser announcing its Bud Light Platinum target audience! And look out, because the expectations for the Bud Light Platinum drinker extend to one final Kanye lyric:
“I sent this girl a picture of my dick.”
Better get to it, Bud drinkers. Those dick pics ain’t gonna send themselves.