It wouldn’t be a typical week for the Aleheads without another story about Big Beer buffoonery, this time in the form of a lawsuit filed in three states claiming that AB-InBev allegedly overstated the alcohol content in its beer.
In a nutshell, the lawsuit claims that AB-Inbev’s various labels add extra water and CO2 to their finished product, thereby diluting the labeled alcohol content of their products and in effect, misleading and overcharging consumers.
Of course, AB InBev’s VP of brewing and supply dismissed these claims as “completely false,” adding that “We proudly adhere to the highest standards in brewing our beers, which have made them the best-selling in the U.S. and the world.” Apparently, in a corporate concept called “cost connecting,” using rice in lieu of grain (and low quality rice at that) as well as bargain bin hops constitute “The highest standards in brewing” so someone should tell the folks at Russian River to stop trying so hard.
We at Aleheads like to think of ourselves as a drunken lot of misfits and scallywags, but a generous one at that, so today we offer assistance to the AB-Inbev PR team. Lawsuits can take months, even years to complete, but in the meantime here are 10 slogans that AB-Inbev can use, free of charge, for marketing their newly discovered (allegedly) watered down beer:
- “Budweiser. Proud to be Lance Armstrongs favorite lager, seven years in a row.”
- (Cue techno music) “Tonight, make it a Bud Light Platinum: All the douchiness, with only 85% of the stated ABV. You’re welcome, America. (In muffled voice) AB-InBev: Leuven, Belgium”
- “Stella Artois. Same crisp Belgian taste, now engineered to cause fewer football riots and domestic disputes. Stella Artois: Perfection is a subdued night out that doesn’t end with jail.”
- (in Clint Eastwood voice) “Know what watery pee tastes like, America? Oh yeah? Well we think you do. Bud Light: Here we go.”
- “It’s like Czechvar, but with rice and half the flavor. Oh, and it’s watery too. We do have cute clydesdales though. Research shows that people like horsies! Budweiser: The King of Beers.”
- “Budweiser Black Crown: “Here’s to taste. Here’s to our kind of beer*.” *(in lawyer voice) The term “beer” includes watered down malt beverages. Actual ABV may very. Consumption may cause sobriety, overhydration and buyers remorse. Not responsible for excessive refreshment and lack of sex appeal caused by the water content of Budweiser Black Crown. “Enjoy Black Crown Responsibly.”
- “Budweiser: For when water doesn’t contain enough calories. This Bud’s for you!”
- “Bud Light Lime: Like lemon-lime Gatorade with a little booze added. Why not drink it at the gym? The Sure Sign of a Good Time. Bud Light Lime!”
- “Thought drinking Natural Ice couldn’t get any more embarrassing after our “Nattyisms” campaign? Well think again. Natty Ice. Now you’re talkin!”
- “Bud Light Lime-a-Rita. Turns out that those high school girls weren’t as drunk as they said they were. Charges. Dropped. The refreshing ready-to-drink Margarita With a Twist of Bud Light Lime!”