THE TEN BREWERY COMMANDMENTS

holy_Moses_White_Ale

And the LORD Ninkasi, the Goddess of Grain, then said unto Slouch Sixpack, “Come up to me into the brewpub, and be there: and I will give thee ring-ed napkins of paper, and brewery commandments which I have written upon them; that thou mayest blog them.” And Slouch rose up, and his Brother Barley: and Slouch went up into the brewpub of Ninkasi.

Slouch was covered by the haze of alcohol for forty days and forty nights. Before the full forty days, the Aleheads decided that something had happened to Slouch Sixpack, like bad mushrooms or head trauma, and compelled Doc to fashion a fizzy golden lager, and he built a kegerator  before it.

After the full forty days Slouch and Barley came out from the brewpub with the napkins, and as he came nigh unto the festivities, and he saw the lager, and the tomfoolery, and Slouch’s anger waxed hot, and he wadded the commandments, and tore them asunder.

And the LORD told Slouch: “Go get two napkins of paper like unto the first, and I will write upon these the words that were in the first napkins, which thou brakest.” And she wrote on the napkins, according to the first writing, the TEN BREWERY COMMANDMENTS:

  1. Thou shalt brew ales and lagers of unwavering consistency and quality

  2. Thou shalt treat thine colleagues, employees, and customers with respect and good humor

  3. Thou shalt uphold the needs and good of the brewing community as thy own

  4. Thou shalt accept and promote the values of thy financiers and partners as thy own

  5. Thou shalt not attempt to deceive the drinking public as to thy origins, intent, and vision

  6. Thou shalt consider collaboration before litigation

  7. Honor the brewers that came before thee

  8. Thou shalt value thy tapline over thy bottom line

  9. Thou shalt be a good steward of the earth from whence spring thy water, thy grain, and thy yeast

  10. Remember the beer drinking hour, and keep it holy

And Slouch saw that Aleheads everywhere supported the breweries that kept the Commandments, and there was much drinking and merriment; and it was good.

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5 comments

  1. Amen.

    “Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me, and I am thankful. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here’s the deal; you freeze everything as it is and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is okay, please give me absolutely no sign. Okay, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done.”

    1. When in doubt, the pious can also refer to Biggie’s 10 Crack Commandments for guidance*.

      *Except #4: Feel free to get high on your own supply. That’s pretty much the whole point of owning a brewery.

  2. Far be it from me to question the divine hand, but aren’t “the values of thy financiers and partners” more likely to be about “thy bottom line” than “thy tapline”?

    1. Indeed. Beware harvesting financial hops from the poisonous bine.

      1. And let it be said, thou shalt never count thy shekels, whilst thou sitteth at thy table

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