There are two things in this world that I truly love: the macro-swill behemoth Anheuser-Busch InBev and dry, dissembling quarterly reports. So obviously I giddily await Bud’s earnings reports every year like an awkward, weird Delta Gamma awaits a Sig Nu mixer. When those reports drop, it’s like Christmas four times a year for me!
*Only instead of presents, I get reams of pages of corporate double-speak.
With the Q1 reports in, AB InBev is continuing their years-long trend of getting their dicks handed to them. As craft beer grows by double-digits year after year, Big Beer’s stranglehold on the industry is dwindling. Fortunately, AB InBev has soothed their investors worries by pointing out the extraordinary circumstances that have occurred over the past few months which have caused the dip in sales. Here are actual quotes* from AB InBev CEO Carlos Brito explaining why consumers are drinking less Bud than ever:
*Note: Not actual quotes.
TOP TEN REASONS ANHEUSER-BUSCH INBEV IS LOSING MARKET SHARE
1. North Korea: “With ceaseless threats from Kim Jong Un to destroy the world, most Earth citizens have stayed indoors this year. With less humans out and about, sales of the favorite beverage of homo sapiens the word over, Bud Straw-Ber-Rita, have declined.”
2. Papal Resignation: “When noted Bud Light with Lime drinker Pope Benedict XVI made the nearly unprecedented decision to step down from his office, Anheuser-Busch lost one of their pre-eminent spokesmen. Newcomer Pope Francis describes himself as, “more of a wine cooler fan.” AB InBev is making plans to replace Francis with Pope Timberlake in the coming years.”
3. The Raven Effect: “While the Baltimore Ravens stunning victory over the Niners in the Superbowl was thrilling, it had a negative impact on sales of Bud Platinum. The beer, which launched to massive sales immediately after the game, dropped precipitously when Ravens captain and noted stab-murderer Ray Lewis retired and went on a months-long murder spree. This forced many potential Bud-drinkers to hunker down while Ray-Ray finished his massacre and then went home to take a well-deserved nap.”
4. Goddamn Lannisters: “When goddamn Game of Thrones came back on the air, everyone stayed home on Sunday night to watch those goddamn medieval dipshits stab and fuck each other when they should have been drinking goddamn Black Crown!,” said a notably distraught Brito. “I mean, White Walkers, Wargs, Valyrian Steel? What is that shit?!?! Drink our fucking beer, you assholes!”
5. Pain & Gain: “InBev was planning on partnering up with Michael Bay (the Bud Light of directors) for the new Transformers movie, but instead he went all Darren Aronofsky on us and made a soul-searching, subtle, character study starring such critically-acclaimed thespians as Marky Mark and the Rock. How can we shoe-horn a Natty Light promotion into a movie that only has a half-dozen explosions? Maybe Uwe Boll is working on something…”
6. Mars Rover: “Who can be bothered to buy Budweiser when there’s a friggin’ robot drawing penises on Mars? Penises on Mars! That’s hilarious!”
7. The Motherfucking Rain: “It’s been raining a metric shit-ton this year. And people don’t drink light beer in the rain because they’re afraid it will somehow get even MORE watered down.”*
*Note: Clearly I’m just mocking AB InBev, but the quarterly report actually DID primarily blame the weather for their poor sales. The fucking weather!!! You’re not selling umbrellas, InBev! You’re selling beer!
Also ACTUALLY blamed in the Q1 report? Gas prices. Payroll taxes Food inflation costs. And the delaying of Carnival in Brazil. Seriously, I don’t even have to make up these lists. I could just print the actual report and it would be just as ridiculous.
8. The Aleheads Effect: “You can’t underestimate the effects of negative publicity and we’ve been simply beaten to a pulp by those bastards at Aleheads.com. That site is a runaway train of popularity and until we can rid the world of such evildoers as Slouch Sixpack, Kid Carboy and that meddling Jimmy Hoppa, our numbers will continue to suffer. Curse you, Aleheads.com! Curse you and all other beer blogs! Your tens of readers are clearly having a deleterious effect on our bottom line!”
9. The Galaxy S4, maybe?: “We think most people are just kind of hanging out at cell phone stores right now. Like, you’re all waiting for the S4 to drop before you go pick up a few cases of Bud, possibly? That must be it, right? You all just want your shiny new phablet before you drink our shitty swill? Right? Hello?”
10. Seriously, Fuck You People: “Why aren’t you drinking our beer? Why do you keep drinking this “craft” bullshit? We’re making Bowtie Cans! We bought Goose Island! We made a S’mores beer and sent it to you for free! What more do you want?!?! Beer that tastes good?!?! We can’t do that! We’re Bud!!!”