NAME YOUR POISON

Determining the best beers on Earth is an ongoing debate between all Aleheads. The Westy 12 tends to rise above the rest, but that’s due, in part, to its scarcity (same with the Three Floyds Dark Lord and Portsmouth’s Kate the Great). If something is hard to get…it tends to be all the more rewarding when you procure it. Debating the best beer by style, country, region, and brewery is probably the most common discussion amongst Beer Aficionados. It’s fun, and because there are no right answers, it’s never-ending.

But the flipside of the debate can be equally enjoyable. What’s the worst beer you’ve ever had? I’m talking about the beers that made you cringe. The ones that smell like stagnant puddle water, taste like carbonated urine, and look like stale ginger ale. Here is an unresearched, completely off-the-cuff Bottom 12…screw it, let’s make it a baker’s dozen, cousin. In descending order from awful to unholy:

13. Corona Light: Everyone has had one or two of these on a hot summer’s day with a lime squeezed into the bottle. And when you’re baking in the heat and absolutely any cold beverage tastes good, I can see how you might convince yourself that this beer is drinkable. It’s not. It’s terrible. The lime isn’t in there to make it more refreshing…it’s there to mask the fact that what you’re drinking barely qualifies as beer. You want something refreshing? Try an IPA or a Hefeweizen. Leave the Corona Light for high school kids.

12. Heineken: Mostly on here because some of our unenlightened brethren consider this a “smooth” beer. Heineken is the Bud Light of Europe. It’s a watery, insipid mess of a beer. Thanks to its transparent green bottle, it also skunks faster than any beer on the market not named Newcastle.

11. PBR: Just because hipsters like it doesn’t make it good beer.

10. Keystone Light: Found a niche in college campuses everywhere by somehow coming in at a price point lower than pretty much anything else. Let’s just say, you get what you pay for.

9. Genny Cream: My sophomore year of college, a fraternity brother was illegally caught with a keg and we were banned from having draft beer for a couple of months. We had to switch to cans and the only ones we could afford in any quantity where the suite of brews offered by Genesee. They were all horrific, but Genny’s Cream took it to a whole ‘nother level. I don’t even want to talk about it.

8. Tequiza: “You know what would make this horrendous bottle of Bud Light even worse? Let’s dump a sleeve of Smarties into it!”

7. Michelob Ultra: The low-carb beer trend is one of the stupidest fads in drinking history (just behind prohibition) and we here at Aleheads hope it dies a quick, painful death. Michelob Ultra is the poster child for this insanity and it really doesn’t even deserve to be called beer. It’s literally watered-down lager…the kind you would serve to your alcoholic Uncle after he’s had too many to know the difference. If you really want to lose weight, eat less and exercise, Fatty. Drinking shitty beer isn’t going to slim down your waistline.

6. Coors Aspen Edge: Michelob Ultra with an even worse ad campaign.

5. Cave Creek Chili Beer: Notorious in the beer community, Crazy Ed’s Cave Creek Chili Beer is essentially a weak light beer flavored with incredibly hot chili peppers. It’s not as bad as it sounds…it’s actually much, much worse. It tastes like someone dumped vinegar and cayenne pepper flakes in your already shitty beer. It’s like a bad practical joke.

4. Dixie White Moose: This beer is legendary…and not for good reasons. Discontinued some time ago, the White Moose was produced by the fairly reputable Dixie Brewing Company in New Orleans. It was an attempt at a white chocolate-flavored American Amber. Sickeningly sweet and thick, it tasted like flat, stale cream soda. One reviewer on BeerAdvocate said it smelled “like goat sex”. I can’t really improve on that, so there you go.

3. Olde English 800: Considered by many to be the worst beer on Earth, OE is the quintessential malt liquor. Drinking it is so embarrassing that most people hide it in a brown, paper bag when doing so. It’s incredibly cheap with a high alcohol content which makes it the “go-to” beer for underage drinkers and hobos alike. This is not a beer to be enjoyed. You drink it for one reason only…you’re broke and want to get drunk. But if that’s the case, buy a liter of cut-rate vodka. At least it won’t taste like you’re licking a public urinal.

2. Natural Light: Few beers are as universally mocked as Natty Light. It’s a punchline more than a beverage. Part of me thinks that AB created the Natty line to make their abysmal Bud products taste better by comparison. It doesn’t really matter why they’re brewed…just know that most beer drinkers (Aleheads and Joe Six Packs alike) would agree that Natty Light is one of the worst creations every conceived of by man. It’s only surpassed by…

1. Milwaukee’s Best: I actually respect the Beast. I respect it because the brewers at Miller were clearly intentionally trying to brew the absolute worst beer ever made. There’s no other way the Beast could have come to pass. I remember drinking a warmed-over tall boy my Freshman year and thinking, “this is what dying tastes like”. It’s what they serve in Hell, Gitmo, and at the Republican National Convention. I’m not sure if it’s the worst beer ever created, or the greatest trick the devil every played. Regardless, when this Beast slouches towards Bethlehem…run. Run like the wind.

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4 comments

  1. Ripped Van Drinkale · · Reply

    Really, no Ice-Brewed beers on this list? I’m not talking about Aventinus Weizen-Eisbock, one of the greatest beers ever conceived, I’m talking about the ice headaches we all remember from college. Icehouse and Bud Ice might be the two worst beers ever. I say might, because clearly the worst beer ever is Milwaukee’s Best Ice. I agree that they would serve a regular Beast at Gitmo, but if you ever find yourself in a Siberian Labor Camp, you bet your ass you’ll be drinking a frigid Beast Ice.

  2. I can’t argue that those are terrible brews, but other than the OE 800, I tried to leave higher alcohol offerings off this list. Those ice beers were actually created with respectable intentions. The brewers knew their beers were bad, so they upped the alcohol content so you didn’t have to drink as many of them to get hammered. Personally, I think it’s honorable of them to create Bud Ice so broke-ass high schoolers don’t have to pound 10 Bud Lights before their Dave Matthews concert.

    I always think of Icehouse and Red Dog in the same vein. Two atrocious beers that have decent packaging so you might accidentally mistake them for drinkable brews.

  3. […] surprises here. First, my pick for worst beer ever (the Beast) was actually not even in the taste-off (although its bastard cousin, Beast Light was). Both Natty […]

  4. Beerford · · Reply

    For what it’s worth I was present for the infamous Genesee doldrums of ’99, and for my money the Genny Red was even worse than the Genny Cream. Nobody takes the Beast for pure putridity though. Genius call for them to use the untreated greywater from their bottling plants in the Beast fermentation process. Making profit out of waste product. Brilliant.

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