I am not the most interesting man in the world. I’m fairly certain of that. My dogs sometimes get bored and walk away when I’m talking to them and even Wifey McHops tends to zone out when I speak. But I’d like to think that if I was…if I was as rich, popular, fascinating, and worldly as the grizzled actor who plays the Most Interesting Man in the World supposedly is…I would drink pretty much anything BUT Dos Equis. If I had access to a private plane, supermodels, a Scrooge McDuck-esque money bin, and lots of leisure time…I would drink prestige beers, cellar-aged Imperial Stouts, dusty English old ales, cobwebbed Belgian Darks, and oak-aged Triple IPAs. The one thing I would not drink is a watery, pathetic lager made in some Mexican swill factory. Granted, Dos Equis’ label says it’s a “Special Lager”…and that is sort of true. It’s “special” in that it should be forced to ride the short bus to school and wear a helmet.
So fuck you, Dos Equis…and fuck you Most Interesting Man in the World. Yeah, that’s right…I said it, Jonathan Goldsmith. I don’t care if you were in Magnum, P.I., Knight Rider, MacGyver, CHiPs, and Hawaii Five-O. If the only beer you drink is Dos Equis, you’re not the most interesting man in the world…you’re just some douchey old guy who doesn’t know shit about beer.
A more accurate version of the commercial:
He eats at Applebee’s…because they have free Pepsi refills.
He loves Nickelback…because his co-worker Todd told him they were cool.
He once watched an entire season of Yes, Dear…and loved every second of it.
He works in a cracker factory…right next to a box factory.
He is…the blandest man in the world.
“I don’t always drink beer, because it makes me gassy, but when I do…I prefer Dos Equis.”
Stay douchey, my friends.