Well, it’s finally happened. Miller has solved all of humanity’s problems thanks to the tireless efforts of their R&D department. We’ve entered a new age of beer drinking. A new age of peace, prosperity, and watered-down lager being delivered down your esophagus in the most rapid manner possible. We’ve entered the age…of the Vortex Bottle.
As near as I can tell, the Vortex Bottle has absolutely no reason for existing. Miller execs claim the “innovation” was designed to “create buzz and excitement”. Apparently Miller is now being run by the marketing execs that invented Poochy. What exactly does this inane product do? It has “interior grooves” etched into the bottleneck which create a “vortex of beer as you’re pouring.” Hooray! I was so tired of my beer pouring out of the bottle with no regard for the Coriolis effect.*
*I hope the interior grooves are reversed in Australia.
Why would you want your beer to pour out in a vortex? You wouldn’t. It’s the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. Theoretically, if the beer was being agitated as it left the mouth of the vessel it was contained in, that would create a bigger head and therefore more aroma. The problem is that Miller’s vortex “technology” is connected to a BOTTLE. A bottle can’t hold a head and gives off no aroma when you’re drinking from one since your lips cover the entire opening (kind of like the middle person in a Human Centipede…only what they consume probably tastes better than Miller Lite). If you want to get more aroma and a bigger head from your beer, do what every Alehead on Earth has been doing for centuries. Pour your beer into a goddamn glass! Bottles are just storage containers. They are the least effective means of drinking a brew if you have any interest in flavor, aroma, or character.
I suppose a vortex bottle “might” pour slightly faster than a regular bottle. But the difference has to be so ridiculously minor as to be pointless. Plus, if the goal of your R&D department is to create a way for your customers to consume your product for as little time as possible, well…you probably don’t make a very good product.*
*One unintentionally hilarious aspect of the vortex is that the designers essentially turned the Miller Lite bottleneck into the barrel of a rifle. I like imagining that Miller Lite drinkers are sticking gun muzzles in their mouths.
And that gets me to my biggest issue with this whole concept. Why does Miller continue to pump SO much time and money into dicking around with the packaging of their products? The reason they’ve lost market share recently has nothing to do with whether they use aluminum bottles, sleeker 12-pack boxes, or goddamn vortex bottlenecks. It’s because their product is horsepiss. If they spent even 1% of their marketing budget on actually taste-testing their beer, perhaps they’d realize that.
So if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to let another vortex take care of the contents of my bottle of Miller Lite.
*Editor’s Note: Brother Barley does not, nor has he ever, actually owned a bottle of Miller.