A great deal of beer is consumed by gentlemen *cough* of all ages while they’re out and about in the world engaged in that oldest of activities, variously called hunting, scouting, scoping, macking, pimping, prowling, and any number of less politically correct terms. I am, of course, talking about picking up women.* Though some would probably assert that the beverage you consume while you’re out makes little or no difference in the success or failure of your endeavor, I must heartily disagree. Not only would a few pints of a barleywine or Quad severely shorten your window of opportunity (not you Slouch, I know your liver is basically a muscular callus), but I would also assert that you may well find yourself engaged in discussions with an entirely different sort of woman depending on whether you were noticed ordering a Bud Light w/Lime vs. a well-crafted micro.
*Ladies, I give you full credit for being out scouring the world for men☨ in your own right, but since we Aleheads happen to currently all be male I am unfortunately forced to leave your perspective absent from this this particular Conundrum. However, responses in the comments section would be more than welcome!
☨As I am not aware that any of the Aleheads prefer partners of their own sex, that particular perspective will alas also remain unrepresented for the purpose of this discussion, though again, feel free to respond in the comments section!
Though many of the Aleheads are in long-term relationships of one sort or another (hi Wifey, Baronness), I would ask you to cast your memories back to the glorious days of your singlehood in attempting to answer this week’s Conundrum: What is the best beer to drink while you are out attempting to meet women?
You may include any or all facets of the hunt and/or the brew in your answer. Ridicule of Beerford for not yet being able to land a lady is, I suppose, fair game as well.
BROTHER BARLEY MCHOPS
Other than Herr Hordeum (our young’un) and Beerford (whose frequent and eye-watering gaseous emissions have kept him single for years), the rest of the Aleheads have all been be-wifed for quite some time. Beyond that, the majority of us have somehow managed to procreate in between benders (the Commander alone seems to be firing out kids on an almost annual basis).
My point? Asking us for tips on picking up women is like asking Bob Cousy to jump in at point guard for the Celtics…we’ve been out of the game for a loooooong time. And if we were to jump back in? Let’s just say that the results would not be pretty.
Nevertheless, I’m not about to let a Conundrum go unanswered. So in the spirit of Magnus, the undisputed king of the poorly-conceived Top Ten list, here are Brother Barley’s Top Ten Pick-Up Beers:
10. Wasatch Polygamy Porter
Pros: Might get the ball rolling for two chicks at the same time.
Cons: In Utah, it might get your ass kicked by two dudes in crisp, white shirts at the same time.
Attracts: Girls into threesomes (hooray!). And Mormons (boo!).
9. Boulevard Nut Sack Ale
Pros: You can point to the name of the beer and say, “I have one of those…want to see?”
Cons: She probably doesn’t want to see. Women don’t actually like scrotums (scrota?).
Attracts: Girls who like Adam Sandler movies. Plus, female urologists.
8. Dogfish Head 90 Minute IPA
Pros: It’s a solid IPA and the girl might recognize the name of the beer from that Discovery Channel show.
Cons: If she’s actually SEEN the show, she might equate you with that douchebag who stars in it.
Attracts: Delaware hotties (all two of them) and Bryan, Sam Calagione’s lap-dog.
7. Sweetwater Donkey Punch:
Pros: It’s all there in the name, dude.
Cons: It’s actually a tremendously unpleasant exercise.
6. BrewDog’s The End of History
Pros: A beer stuffed in a dead squirrel? Definitely a conversation starter. Plus, it costs over $750 a bottle, so it shows you’ve got cash to burn.
Cons: You’re drinking beer out of a dead animal. Also, it’s 55% alcohol so you’ll be passed out before you can try out your first pick-up line.
Attracts: Gold-diggers, alcoholics, rodentologists (I made that last one up).
5. Sprecher Vampire Blood
Pros: A slam-dunk in a Goth bar.
Cons: Why are you in a Goth bar?!?!
Attracts: Fans of the Cure (that’s bad). Fans of True Blood (that’s good)! Fans of Twilight (that’s bad). Fans of Vampire Hunter D (that’s good)!. Fans of Vampires, the John Carpenter movie starring the fat Baldwin brother (that’s just weird).
4. Sierra Nevada Pale Ale
Pros: It says, “I like craft beer, but I’m not an elitist beer snob.”
Cons: Kinda boring.
Attracts: That sweet spot between dumb chicks looking for a Bud Light-swilling meathead and smart chicks looking to split a bottle of Alesmith Decadence with you. While the latter might sound ideal, she’ll probably make you look bad by knowing more about beer than you. And that’s all you’ve got, dude! That’s your thing!
3. North Coast Brother Thelonious
Pros: Intimates that you like jazz and are as cool as Monk.
Cons: You are NOT as cool as Monk.
Attracts: Jazz-lovers (which means you’ll have nothing to talk about) and Wifey McHops (touch her and I’ll jab the broken beer bottle neck I carry with me at all times into your eye socket).
2. New Glarus Raspberry Tart
Pros: A beer she certainly won’t mind sharing with you.
Cons: A beer you might not want to share with her.
Attracts: Buxom mid-western ladies who like awesome beer. Do we have a winner? Almost…
1. Midnight Sun Panty Peeler
Pros: A delicious Tripel…the perfect style to share with a new ladyfriend. Also…umm…it’s called Panty Peeler.
Cons: Name might be a little too on the nose.
Attracts: Nudists and/or strippers. I think we have a winner…
HERR HUMULUS HORDEUM
On a practical note, I have one suggestion.
Pros: Available everywhere. At 4.2%, you can drink a few and maintain some level of composure. It is simple and tasty. A girl may actually say to you: “I like Guinness,” (good) “I’m part Irish,” (good) or “How can you drink that, it’s so heavy!” (good, since you now know you can spend time pursuing other interests).
Cons: If she is actually a beer snob, she will say you are drinking a macro-swill-American-dumbed-down-version-of-a-beer-that-used-to-be-great-but-popularity-ruined-it-oh-you-can-only-drink-it-in-Ireland-properly. At which point you can order the biggest beer available in the bar for the next round, and strongly criticize whatever she is drinking. Girls like it when you chastise and compete with them.
LORD MASHTUN COPPERPOT
As Brother Barley demonstrated, your choice of drink really depends on what kind of girl you’re trying to meet. As I think back to my “fun and fancy-free” days, a young Lord Copperpot on the prowl was looking for one particular kind of girl: somebody with a heartbeat.
Basically, I’m trying anything.
To counter the obvious desperation you poor, single bastards still battle, here are a few ideas for the still-macking among us:
Ithaca Flower Power
Pros: Floral hops, tasty, easy drinking. The label invokes a hippie/alternative lifestyle.
Cons: She might think you’re gay.
Attracts: Girls with noserings in their nose and nosegays in their hair. And Cornell freshmen.
Magic Hat #9
Pros: Chicks dig fruity beer.
Cons: She might think you’re gay.
Attracts: Vermonters (this is not a good thing).
Young’s Double Chocolate Stout
Pros: Chicks dig chocolate. Think about it. You’ve ordered an aphrodisiac brewed with an aphrodisiac adjunct.
Cons: She might think you’re gay. Plus, now she’d rather go home and eat chocolate than continue this forced conversation with a beer nerd who’s too old to even be her older brother.
Attracts: Women who have chocolate stashes in their drawers (which, as far as I can tell, is every single one of them).
I think Barley chased away many potential Alehead contributors to this week’s conundrum with his too-comprehensive initial Top Ten list response. Unfortunately since he doesn’t take constructive criticism at all well (see the above mention of the broken beer bottle neck he keeps on his person at all times), and generally also has the final editorial pass on these entries (and hence the final “Editor’s Note” rights), we can’t really do much to keep him in check.*
*Editor’s Note: What Beerford says is 100% accurate. However, oddly enough, I actually take UNconstructive criticism very well. So if you tell me that my writing style lacks any real narrative thread and reads like the drunken ramblings of an insane hobo, I’ll probably kick you in the uvula. BUT, if you tell me you hate me and that I’m a fucking idiot, I’ll probably just nod my head and say “Yeah, that sounds about right.”
For my part, I’m going to make an unconventional call here and go with Moylan’s Kilt Lifter Scotch Ale for my suggestion. I should note that this is partially because Herr Hordeum stole my initial instinct to go with Guinness, basically for the reasons he stated above. Also, NEVER EVER EVER choose any of the beers Mashtun suggested above (well, maybe the Young’s). Unless of course you want to marry a French Canadian, in which case by all means…
Anyway, hear me out on this. The Kilt Lifter is a great beer in its own right, produced by a great brewery. A girl who compliments you on your choice is clearly one you want to chat with. Sure it’s a little heavy on the alcohol, but it’s not one you want to pound anyway so you can get a nice buzz on and loosen up your game a little. Also, without a cheesy pick-up line you’ve already got her thinking about what’s under kilts (hint: it’s your junk). At worst it’s a conversation starter, and you can tell her about some of the other beers with funny names that Barley mentioned above. One caveat: don’t go out in a kilt and order a Kilt Lifter. You’ll just look ridiculous, and will probably end up drunk enough at some point to actually lift your kilt, which will immediately end any chance you may have had to start a conversation with any girl you might actually want to talk to.
I guess in the end these suggestions probably won’t land you a ladyfriend. But if you’re lucky, they might help you avoid driving her away before you even meet her. Plus, it turns out that even while you’re out hunting for Ms. Right, you can still…