ROYAL LIBATIONS

“I am swept up with royal wedding fever.”  -Will Ferrell

BEERFORD MCBREWIN’

Editor’s Note: This is all the Commander’s fault.

Blah blah blah intro blah blah. Something about beer being too common to be in the Queen’s presence. Something about minding your “P’s and Q’s”. Something funny about Canada. Something about the prince’s mildly idiotic looking mug. Something about the queen’s undies. Something about butlers needing to drink English bitters in order to maintain that butler face. Something about needing to have a few pints before dinner in order to stomach British food. Something mildly self-deprecating about my slightly-British heritage. Something something bangers ‘n’ mash something something dirty joke something.*

*I initially wrote this intro as a placeholder so folks could get their responses in, as I didn’t have time for a real one earlier this week.  However I’ve decided I don’t care enough to actually write an intro to this conundrum.  I frankly resent that this wedding between two people I’ve never met who are thousands of miles away from me has occupied any fraction of my attention, and I’m not giving it any more than I already have.

What beer will you be drinking during the royal wedding?

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BROTHER BARLEY MCHOPS

The Commander pitched this Conundrum idea as a joke, but apparently we’re running with it. Umm…seriously, I have no idea. I don’t care about the royal wedding. I won’t watch the royal wedding. I have no idea what relevance the nuptials of the grandson of the titular figurehead of a former imperial power has to a poorly-written American beer blog. But I have yet to leave a Conundrum unanswered and I’ll be damned if this stupid one will be the first!

The best I could do was come up with a Top Ten list of beers that are somehow related to weddings:

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10. Bell’s Wedding Ale
9. COAST Old Nuptial Barleywine
8. Portsmouth Kate the Great (’cause, umm…the bride’s name is Kate, I think)
7. BrewDog Arise Prince Willie (it’s the Viagra beer we talked about in the last ABC)
6. Coeur D’Alene Honeymoon Wheat
5. COAST Boy King Double IPA (he’s kind of a “boy king”, right? Kind of? Sort of?)
4. Moose’s Tooth Prince William’s Porter
3. Great Lakes Bitter Wife
2. Buffalo Bill Alimony Ale
1. Wasatch Polygamy Porter

OK, so maybe that wasn’t the “best” I could do. But it’s what I did. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to watch anything that isn’t the royal wedding. Hey, Man Vs. Food is on! Sweet!

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HERR HUMULUS HORDEUM

I take back what I said about all of the other conundrums being the worst. This one truly is. In an attempt to make it seem better, I have tried to come up with even worse conundra ideas.

10. Pick a beer to match sexually transmitted diseases you have experienced (the Czar should enjoy this one)
9. You are transported back in time to the American Civil War: which beer would you want to drink before having your mangled leg amputated with a hack saw and no anesthesia?
8. What great canned craft beer do you hope gets released as a high priced bomber instead?
7. What craft breweries do you hope are the next to pull distribution out of your state?
6. Who will fall to In-Bev next?
5. Which beer tastes best coming up? Can also be paired with food. This is a conundrum, after all.
4. What is your pet’s favorite beer?
3. What would you be drinking if you lost your job tomorrow?
2. What are your top ten “top ten” lists by Barley, and pair a beer with them. And food.
1. What will you be drinking for the Royal wedding?

I have failed. This is the worst thing ever.

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CZAR VLADIBEER S. BOOTIN’

Because Svetlana does not arise until midday there will be no watching live of the wedding. When she watches on the DVR later, I will be dropping shots of Bushmills into Guinness Extra and checking bank accounts and she will be eating ice cream and smoking hookah in track suit. It is great friday after all. To be clear I have not been convicted of sexual transmission in US or UK.

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COMMANDER PINT O. CHUG, MEMBER OF THE HOUSE OF SCHLITZ-HOEGAARDEN-SUMMERALE-CARLSBERG

Troll-bots would appear more relevant than your responses. I’ll take this one at face value. I plan to have an array of beers from all over the world to celebrate the nuptials of these two charmed young people.

Affligem Noel. For Prince William’s celibacy. The monks would be proud… or would they?

Unibroue Maudite. For Princess Kate’s engagement ring. “Maudite” means “cursed,” or at least I think I remember that. You gave your girlfriend the engagement ring that your father gave your mother, starting one of the most famously wretched marriages in history, that ended a couple of years before she was killed in a suspicious fiery car crash? Cursed.

Racer 5 IPA. For Kate’s car. Who needs a chariot when you have a limo stocked with craft beer?

Tyranena’s Paradise By The Dashboard Lights. For the children’s choirs that will undoubtedly be singing at the ceremony. What a crappy country. I bet Aerosmith played Chelsea Clinton’s wedding.

La Vielle Bon-Secours. OK, this is one where I’m taking poetic license. Rumored to be the world’s most expensive beer and only available at a single pub in London, I’m fantasizing about drinking this beer in honor of all the people who have rented out their flats along the parade route for 6 months’ rent.

Pete’s Wicked Ale. For the fourth living generation of the Royal Family, which is about as relevant to the world as Pete’s Wicked is.

Terrapin Coffee Oatmeal Imperial Stout. Because I’d have to get up at 4 o’clock in the fucking morning to watch two spoiled rich kids who talk funny get married and parade around? I’m going to slug two of these stouts and go back to bed.

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BEERFORD MCBREWIN’

I”m not going to watch the royal wedding.  I didn’t even know when the royal wedding was happening until the Commander suggested that we conundrumate on the topic.  But if I cared enough to stay up until some stupid hour in the morning to watch this thing (I don’t), and if it were in season (it’s not), and assuming I felt like spending the effort to specially acquire a beer to drink in celebration of this ever-so-momentous occasion (I wouldn’t), I’d have myself a Rogue Independence Hop Ale.  Why?  Because we fought and won a war so I wouldn’t have to care about this crap, and clearly I should hoist a pint in commemoration of those who lost their lives to give me the independence from tyranny that I so richly squander.  *walks away whistling Yankee Doodle Dandy*

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7 comments

  1. Captain · · Reply

    Bass with a gin chaser….

  2. Slouch Sixpack always cries at weddings. I’m sure this one was no exception. At my wedding the cause of the crying was falling down in the parking lot.

  3. First of all, it was a golfcart path not a parking lot. Second of all I passed out, I did not fall. Well, I did fall. But the passing our preceded that.

  4. beer-miester · · Reply

    no offence but least we forget Flying Dogs, Raging Bitch… sorry just a little trouble in my palace… but still a real fine brew. Excellent verbiage form all you commenter’s. Nice theme!

  5. Considering that beer was banned from the royal wedding, you guys should do a spot on Bashing & Boycotting the Royals. I wonder how many people will be buying Prince Charles organic ale now? It should be renamed “Old Ruby Red Arse Hole Ale”.

    A source said: “There won’t be any beer. Let’s face it, it isn’t really an appropriate drink to be serving in the Queen’s presence at such an occasion. It was always their intention to give their guests a sophisticated experience and they have chosen the food and drink with this in mind.”

    I cannot stand the pretentious bullshit that surrounds the British Royals-so high and mighty, yet isn’t it true that for centuries the royals interbred to keep their ‘blood pure’? Didn’t one of the prince’s contract syphilis & go insane? Oh right- we can’t mention the ‘unmentionables’ of the royal history; they are a ‘noble’ family. What-the-fuck-ever.

    The British Royals can kiss my ass. And on that note, I offer England’s very own Wychwood Brewing The Dog’s Bollocks. Bollocks= testicles. Kick ’em right square in the royal family jewels, chug a pint, & piss on them, I say.

  6. I like this Resie Rae character.

  7. beer-miester · · Reply

    Resie is a great reason that we won the revolutionary war! I will drink a nice Sam Adams to that!

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