Studies indicate more than 70 percent of legal-drinking-age men have put their beer in the freezer to achieve the desired level of cold. The trick is to know when to take the beer out.
-Coors Light Press Release
If you’re like me, there is nothing on Earth more confusing to you than trying to figure out when your beer is cold enough to drink. Tax codes, baseball stats, the stock market, quantum physics…all of these things are fairly complex, I suppose. But compared to man’s eternal struggle with determining when “cold” beer is cold enough…those other things are as easy as brownies.*
*Note: I recognize that “easy as pie” is the more ubiquitous phrase, but I find pie to be deceptively difficult to make whereas any drunken fuckwit can crank out a pan of brownies. Even Slouch has been known to produce a palatable tray of brownies now and then…though his usually have an awful lot of stems and seeds in them.
For years, my life was in turmoil. One day, I would drink a beer that was cold, but not as cold as the Rockies. The next day, I’d crack open a brew that was hovering right around absolute zero and made my lips freeze and shatter like the T-1000 at the end of Terminator 2. It was so frustrating that I seriously contemplated seppuku or, even worse, learning to appreciate wine. And then my white knight arrived in the form of a selfless, multi-national corporation using the latest in 1980’s Freezy Freakies technology.
In 2007, Coors introduced the “cold-activated label” on their bottles and cans and my world became nothing but freezing-cold sunshine and ice crystal-laden rainbows. I bought a glass-front fridge just so I could watch the labels on my cans of delicious and not-at-all watery or chemical-tasting Coors Lights turn from white to blue. The moment that azure graphic coalesced in front of mine eyes, I would hastily pull open the door, grab a silver bullet, and turn into a handsome giant who plays volleyball amongst the white, Colorado peaks.
There was just one problem…I still wasn’t happy. Sure, I knew my beer was cold, but there was still something missing from my life and I couldn’t figure out what. Friends tried to explain to me that drinking ice-cold beer is ridiculous since any temperature below 45 degrees absolutely kills the aroma and flavor of beer. And they blathered something about how Coors Light was a watered-down abomination and the only reason anyone recommended drinking it at near-freezing temperatures was to mask the fact that it essentially tasted like hobo pee mixed with formaldehyde. But that couldn’t have been the problem, I decided. If Coors Light was so shitty, why did so many people drink it? After all, people aren’t stupid. I mean, if “popular” does NOT equal “greatness” then how do you explain the masterpiece that was Everybody Loves Raymond? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
This week, the real answer for my chronic, dark depression was revealed. I had been drinking beer that was “cold”…but it wasn’t “super-cold”! As soon as I realized that, I felt like the dumbest asshole on this whole dumb asshole planet. How could I NOT have noticed that my beer wasn’t super-cold?! It’s so goddamn obvious! Thankfully, Coors was there to rescue me yet again. On Tuesday, they announced the greatest invention in the 6,000-year history of our planet…two-stage cold-indicator packaging! Things get a little sciencey and technicated here, so let me break it down for you…
The new two-stage cans still indicate that your beer is cold when the little Rocky Mountain graphic turns blue…that hasn’t changed. Coors had to keep this innovation since its creation helped pave the way for world peace and also cured most types of cancer. But the brain-trust at the company realized that this simply wasn’t enough…so they have now added a “Cold Indicator Bar” under the Coors Light logo that ALSO turns blue when the beer is cold. Are you still with me? Do you want to sit down for a minute and catch your breath? No worries…I’ll wait…
You good? OK then…here’s where your mind will go from “blown” to “super-blown”. Underneath the aforementioned Cold Indicator Bar is a second bar. And when your Coors Light makes the all-important transition from cold to super-cold, the second bar turns blue and says…wait for it…SUPER COLD! Holy shitballs! I have seen the glorious future…and its name is the Super Cold Indicator Bar!!!
Now that Coors has basically solved the last hurdle in allowing our species to ascend to Godhood, the roll-out of these new cans will begin in earnest. TV ads featuring (who else) Ice Cube will soon premiere and someone called the “Master of Cold” will be taking over Coors’ Facebook page (I don’t know who this enigmatic Master will be, but I have my fingers crossed that it’s my favorite actor ever, Shia LaBeouf).
That’s all well and good, but how will you know if your local package store carries Super Cold Coors Light? Simple…Coors went through a rigorous vetting process and found an elite group of 3,500 beer retailers “who meet certain criteria to ensure [their] Coors Light is Super Cold at the point of purchase.” These retailers will display “a neon sign as evidence that the Coors Light in their store is Super Cold.” What are the mysterious criteria that these package stores are required to have? Coors isn’t saying, but my guess is that they’re required to have A) Employees, B) Refrigerators, and C) A door.
So for those of you whose lives have been nothing but a crushing series of disappointments…spit out your Prozac. Cancel your therapist. Put down your tantō. Everything’s cool now. Hell, it’s better than cool…it’s super cold.
Thank you, Coors. If you need me, I’ll be in front of my package store waiting for that neon sign to come on.