Ho, gentle reader! We hope you’re having a spiffy American Craft Beer Week. Across our great nation, Aleheads gather at favorite breweries and watering holes to celebrate the dysfunctional family that makes up craft beer in the US. But I know what you’re thinking… am I supposed to be doing something special? I mean, besides drinking an Olympic swimming pool’s-worth of awesome beer? We live our lives like every week is Craft Beer Week, so the burden to produce a special effort during ACBW lies heavily upon us all. In that spirit (and due to the fact that we are all too inebriated to produce any original quality content right now), I’ve developed a scavenger hunt game that, if completed, will ensure you are getting the most out of all that this special week has to offer.
Without further ado, here is the list of tasks needed to complete the first annual Aleheads American Craft Beer Week Scavenger Hunt:
- Find the nearest bar that has a special beer on draught or firkin that is described as “Imperial” and has also been aged in some sort of liquor barrel. Order one and drink very, very slowly, regaling the bar-goers of its increasingly wondrous qualities. When the brew finally approaches room temperature, complete (or feign) orgasm.
- Submit a written request to management requesting the rest of the week off on the basis of religious holiday.
- Thursday is “Dress like Your Favorite Beer Personality” Day. Note: he/ she must have a beard. I’m going as Michael Jackson.
- Buy a random stranger a craft beer of your choice.
- Hit a friend with a coaster from your favorite craft brewer, thrown like a ninja star, from at least 10 feet away.
- Determine the dominant craft brewer in your locale. Loudly attempt to order their Light beer. Stare blankly as they attempt to communicate to you that there’s no such thing:
You (If you’re in Michigan): “I’ll take a Founder’s Light.”
Bartender: “They don’t make one.”
You: “Then I’ll take a Bell’s Light.”
Then order a Barleywine. Please note: this may not work in Boston.
- Attempt to engage the bartender or drinker on the stool next to you in conversation using the terms “dark stone-fruits”, “horse-blanket”, or “wet-hopped” in your ice-breaking sentence.
- When that rare cask of Imperial Stout finally kicks, yell out “Firkin A!” as loud as possible. Bonus points if anyone in the bar laughs. Double points if you are punched in the face.
- Cut down a pine tree, erect it in your domicile, and decorate it with empty craft beer bottles and cans. Wait for your spouse, significant other, or roommate to bring it up.
- Regale your children of the tale of how the Three Wise Men- Jim Koch, Fritz Maytag, and Pete Slosberg- brought gifts of barley, hops, and yeast; and lay them in a fermenter.
Good luck and have fun, Aleheads. This is our week! Completed entries can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org. Winners will receive a hearty virtual handshake, an honorary Aleheads moniker, and pride in a job well done.