YOU MIGHT BE AN ALEHEAD IF…

Maybe you love craft beer, but aren’t sure that you love it “enough”. Maybe you find yourself thinking about Dubbels and IPAs “most” of the time, but you still have pesky thoughts about work and family rattling around in your head. Maybe you’ve replaced all of the faucets in your home with draft beer, but still have one in the laundry room that dispenses water. If any of these scenarios describe you, you’re not quite an Alehead yet. But you’re close!

So how can you “really” tell when you’ve made that all-important transition from “garden variety pompous beer snob” to “all-out Alehead”? Simple…if the following 50 items describe you, then congratulations, my friend, you just might be an Alehead!

*****************************************************

YOU MIGHT BE AN ALEHEAD IF…

  1. When the temperature drops below 80 degrees, you find yourself craving a Russian Imperial Stout.
  2. Even with over 1,700 existing breweries and 700 new breweries in planning, you’re genuinely concerned that there’s not going to be enough good beer to go around.
  3. You just drink water at “ethnic” restaurants because none of the beers are worth your time and you want to save your “alcohol quota” for beer bars later in the evening.
  4. You have no idea what an “alcohol quota” is.
  5. You can list all of the beers your friends have consumed over the past year, but you’re not sure what they do for a living or what their wives’ names are (or even if they’re married).
  6. Every empty building you walk past, you envision as a brewery.
  7. You wonder why no one has invented a cologne that smells of malted barley.
  8. When the beer guy at your favorite botte shop says, “you know your beer”, it’s the proudest moment of your day.
  9. When you tell the beer guy at your favorite bottle shop that HE knows his beer, it’s the proudest moment of HIS day.
  10. You think the Saison market is completely over-saturated.
  11. The Amarillo hops shortage keeps you up at night.
  12. You need a beer just to get out of bed in the morning. (No wait, that’s an alcoholic.)
  13. Your beer fridge is a better model than your actual fridge.
  14. You’ve named any pets “Chinook,” “Columbus” or “Centennial”. (“Fuggles” or “Goldings” if you’re British.)
  15. You’ve grown so used to bittering hops that anything under 100 IBUs tastes like wet bread.
  16. When people ask what you do for a living, you talk about your beer blog first.
  17. The first thing you do when finding out you’re going to be visiting a new city is to look up all the local breweries.
  18. You think the most pressing free speech issue of our time involves Clown Shoes Brewing Company.
  19. You have a Craigslist RSS feed setup for the search-term “Oak Barrels”.
  20. You occasionally pleasure yourself to r/beerporn and the Brew-Magic website
  21. You consider the night before the KBS release to be New Years Eve.
  22. You can’t understand why everyone is so concerned about peace in the Middle East when we still haven’t resolved the CDA/ Black IPA debate within our own borders.
  23. You often skip lunch so you can save your money for beer. Let me repeat that…YOU SAVE YOUR LUNCH MONEY FOR BEER!
  24. You refer to society in India as having a “three-tier” system.
  25. People look at you strangely when you order a bomber of Cabernet at a restaurant.
  26. You disapprove of Barack Obama’s job performance because of the beer he served at the Beer Summit.
  27. Despite being over the age of 30, you have seen a recent uptick in the number of your friends who own or manage bars.
  28. You wish a painful death upon that asshole that left a bottle of Sam Adams Light in your fridge 6 months ago.
  29. The fact that Guinness now makes a Black Lager makes you apoplectic.
  30. You’ve trained your cat/dog to drink beer, but they just walk away if there’s lager in their bowl.
  31. You spend more time vacillating over your beer purchases than you did picking a house, car, or wife.
  32. You feel like you won the lottery when the bartender accidentally pours you a full pint of that 12% barleywine.
  33. You’ve actively ruined a social event by loudly proclaiming that “the beer here sucks” (bonus points if it’s a child’s birthday party).
  34. You always drink your beer in a specific order (lightest to darkest, weakest to strongest, West Coast to East Coast, alphabetically, etc.)
  35. When you sit down to dinner, you ask for the beer list first. If the restaurant doesn’t have one, you make the waiter recite all of the draft options while rolling your eyes at every macro product he/she lists. If the waiter doesn’t know the draft options, you get up and leave.
  36. You think that guy drinking a Bud Light in front of you is trying to start something.
  37. You know exactly when Dark Lord Day is, but you’re a little fuzzy about Christmas and Independence Day.
  38. You don’t watch much TV anymore…you mostly just watch your carboy “burp”.
  39. When you DO watch TV, you watch Breaking Bad. Not because of the award-winning writing or acting, but because most of the characters drink craft beer and one of them even homebrews.
  40. You named your kids Vinnie and Floyd…and they’re both girls.
  41. The bottle shop near your house has a reserved parking spot for you.
  42. You pay FAR more attention to your local beer legislation than you do to health care, deficit, or defense debates.
  43. You think people wearing a brewery T-shirt AT the brewery are worse than people wearing a T-shirt promoting a band while at their concert.
  44. You’re afraid to actually work in a brewery because you know it will ruin your wildly optimistic dreams.
  45. You think Blue Moon and Shock Top should be tried for treason.
  46. You think all draft beer should be presented in a sample glass first for “approval” like wine.
  47. You get a panic attack at the end of the work day when you realize that you forgot to pull a bomber out of your beer fridge and put it in your real fridge that morning.
  48. You no longer complain that there’s “nothing good on TV”. Now you complain that your local bar has “nothing good on tap”.
  49. That whole Massachusetts Farmer-Brewer licensing ordeal really scared the shit out of you.
  50. You couldn’t even finish reading this post without taking a break to grab a brew.
Advertisements

5 comments

  1. “You’ve grown so used to bittering hops that anything under 100 IBUs tastes like wet bread.”

    “You think people wearing a brewery T-shirt AT the brewery are worse than people wearing a T-shirt promoting a band while at their concert.”

    Brilliant.

    I propose to add the following:

    51. You prefer to risk illegally downloading poor-quality, hand-held camera bootleg versions of current movies not because you mind the time or expense of going to the theater, but because they don’t serve beer there.

    52. You are truly proud of your growler collection.

    53. Your level of regard for foreign countries is fundamentally affected by the past and current state of their craft beer economy.

  2. Jaydles · · Reply

    Magnus would have LOVED this. He appreciated top ten lists almost as much as he loved seeing things he loved multiplied by five.

  3. That’s one of the better descriptions of Magnus I’ve ever heard: A man who liked things in multiples of five.

    “One burrito? Let’s make it five.”

    “Why have two beers when I can have ten?”

    “Who needs 10 best friends when I can have 50?”

  4. 54. You take Founders Breakfast Stout literally.

  5. […] where stereotypes originate…they have a nasty habit of never really going away. Granted, our site has poked some fun (in a good-natured manner, I think) at some of those tropes, but it’s never done so with malice […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: