How many times has this happened to you? You’re sitting alone in the man-cave your parents call their “basement”, watching Transformers 2, when you have a powerful hankering for the finest rice lager that a Brazilian-owned, Belgian-headquartered, multi-national corporate monstrosity can piss out. You look in your 10-year-old dorm fridge, still papered over in old Penthouse magazine covers, and you freeze. There are only two beers in there. A bottle of Bud Light, which just doesn’t have the ABV boost you need to numb yourself to your pathetic existence. And a bottle of Budweiser, which, at 145 calories, is far too heavy for those abs you’ve spent the better part of your three years of unemployment working on.
You scream to the heavens. “Why? Why has my God forsaken me? Why hasn’t Anheuser-Busch (the largest and therefore finest producer of fermented beverages known to man) devised a watery, tasteless lager with an ABV punch bigger than Bud Light but less calories than Budweiser?”
Well, my friend. Your motherfucking prayers have been answered. Say hello…to BUD LIGHT PLATINUM!
At 6% ABV, Buddy P makes Bud Light look like lemonade. And with only 137 calories (that’s 8 whole calories less than Budweiser!), B-Plat will keep you looking lean and mean when you’re at the local club making homophobic comments with your bros and sexually harassing underage girls.
According to the press-release, B to the Plizzo was a “long-germinating beer concept” (ie: 10 panicky minutes in the AB InBev Board Room) that will hit the shelves of gas station convenience stores everywhere by January. AB claims that the new beer is “meant to appeal to a key group of beer drinkers” (ie: fuckwits) and will “expand consumer occasions to drink beer”. That last part, of course, makes total sense. I honestly couldn’t think of a SINGLE occasion at which I wanted to drink beer until I heard about Blatinum. But now? Christ. Monday morning staff meeting? Beer me. Funeral? Beer me. Police line-up? I’ll take ten.
The best part of the BLP release? Anheuser-Busch is claiming that they’ve developed it as a “new craft beer” to compete in the ever-growing craft segment of an industry that, overall, is actually declining (beer sales dropped 1% last year while the craft segment grew by 11%). I, for one, think it’s great that InBev can become a craft brewery simply by wishing it so. I didn’t realize pipe dreams could become reality just by coming up with a stupid name for an ill-conceived beer and then issuing a hilariously misguided press release about it. But hey, if it they say PlatiBud is a craft beer, how can I possibly argue? And since I’m a huge supporter of craft beer, you can be sure I’ll be the first in line at the gas station waiting for that first 30-pack of Craft Bud to roll off the back of the Bud Wagon.
You’re all welcome to split it with me, of course. Just don’t knock on the door too loud. My parents might be sleeping.