ALEHEADS STEEL CAGE BATTLE ROYAL

Chalk this post up to my roving mind and propensity to randomly revisit old ideas and conversations.

So, a number of months back, the Aleheads were conversing via email about one inane subject or another, same as always, and a thought was born to, for whatever reason, compare each of them to comic book heroes. Then an even better thought followed: Match each Alehead up with the pro wrestler that best exemplifies his attitude, style, and characteristics. Clearly, this was a can’t-miss concept. In that conversation, I swore something akin to “I’m totally going to make that post.”

…I then promptly forgot about it for three months or so.

Gentlemen–THIS IS THAT POST.

Brother Barley McHops

Wrestling Likeness: Hulk Hogan

A completely obvious choice that goes without saying. Like Hogan defined an entire era of wrestling, Barley defines ad-nauseum, fast-response beer blogging. He’s the guy who, when things are looking their darkest and it appears the site will go without content or miss a news story, is there to “Hulk up” and get the job done. Typically, to the strains of “Real American.” Also: He makes some mean “Pastamania.”

Slouch Sixpack

Wrestling Likeness: Randy “Macho Man” Savage

Like Savage to Hogan, Slouch is the Alehead who constantly plays second fiddle to Barley. Oh sure, he’s great on the mic, and physically he has a skillset that a bruiser like Hogan could never hope to match, but damnit, he just can’t seem to catch a break. When he’s a good-guy, he’s playing number 2 to Hogan in tag team matches as The Mega Powers, and when he’s a heel, he’s dropping flying elbow drop after elbow drop into an incapacitated Hogan’s midsection, only to see the blonde behemoth improbably kick out and pin him after a single leg drop that any novice wrestler could pull off. At least he’s got Miss Elizabeth to tend to him. And some nice hats. And all-time classic entrance music.

Baron Sudsy Von Brue

Wrestling Likeness: Ted “The Million Dollar Man” Dibiase

Another no-brainer. As the original bankroller and financier of the Aleheads, Sudsy brings a couple key factors to the table:

a. A truly evil laugh and catchphrase,

b. The ability to buy off any other beer blog that would dare compete with us, or intimidate them into submission with an army of gigantic thugs in black singlets.

Dr. Ripped Van Drinkale

Wrestling Likeness: The Ultimate Warrior

Like the Ultimate Warrior, (who legally changed his name to “Warrior” in real life, if you can believe it), Dr. Ripped is a ball of uncontrollable, earth-shattering energy. Give him the right motivation, and he’ll come charging down to the rink like a Viking beserker on PCP, and start military pressing that 400-lb guy. Or in our case, give him a topic that really pisses him off properly, and he’ll write an impassioned, often hilarious diatribe on the subject. I imagine he then pants heavily and falls over, like the Warrior did so often after any match lasting longer than three minutes.

Professor pH Lager

Wrestling Likeness: Bobby “The Brain” Heenan

The professor is far and away the biggest nerd among us, so who else could he truly correlate to but “The Brain”? Like Heenan, he possesses a vocabulary that completely dwarfs the rest of us—except his mostly relates to molecular biology, as far as I can tell. And again like Heenan, what he might lack in physical intimidatory qualities, he makes up for in pure…deviousness. He strikes me as a man you would not want as your enemy, on account of the fact that he probably possesses some kind of mountaintop superlaser that could vaporize you from the next landmass over.

Magnus Skullsplitter

Wrestling Likeness: Mick Foley

I didn’t actually have the pleasure of knowing Sir Magnus, unfortunately. The choice of Foley was suggested by Slouch Sixpack, who is much better schooled in Magnus lore. From what I understand, the indominatable spirit and heart of Foley, one of the wrestle-game’s greatest hardcore warriors and punishment-absorbers, is particularly appropriate for the memory of this departed Alehead.

Mashtun Copperpot

Wrestling Likeness: Goldust

From what I understand, Copperpot’s main quality is perplexed confusion. As such, I’ve chosen a wrestler for him that turned such confusion into a weapon, the ever-bizarre Goldust, who used his inherent weirdness and possibly homosexual tendencies to generally creep out his opponents until he somehow rolled them up with a trick pin. In the squared circle, Copperpot’s nuclear-level confusion could be put to similar good use, as he could repeatedly strike himself in the face until his opponents walked out of the ring, declaring him the victor via count-out. And in wrestling, as in life, the “W” is really what matters.

Beerford McBrewin’

Wrestling Likeness: Mr. Wonderful…Rock Riddle

Beerford is the quizmaster of the Aleheads, the keeper of the conundra. As such, he needed a thouroughly noodle-scratching wrestling likeness. Slouch suggested classic early WWF figure Paul “Mr. Wonderful” Orndorff, which was a fine selection, as far as nicknames go…but it was the WRONG “Mr. Wonderful.” Beerford is actually the original Mr. Wonderful, Rock Riddle, a much more appropriate moniker for the man whose main responsibility involves the crafting of puzzlers. And just look at his great website!

Commander Pint O. Chug

Wrestling Likeness: Sgt. Slaughter

The Commander is loud, brash, and military brass. Technically Sgt. Slaughter is only a noncomissioned officer, but I imagine that’s only because he preferred to be among the grunts, where he could more easily manhandle scrawny new maggot recruits and lock them into his inescapable cobra clutch. The Commander does the same, except his troops tend to be things like limited Kentucky Breakfast Stout releases. The bit about locking them into an inescapable clutch still holds true, however.

Cap’n Jack Draught

Wrestling Likeness: The Boogeyman

I have no idea who the Cap’n is in real life, or anything about him. As far as I am aware, he’s another entry into the proud tradition of combatants who hail “from parts unknown.” I’m not actually sure that he shares The Boogeyman’s worm-eating propensities, but it occurs to me that I don’t actually possess any evidence that he doesn’t share them, which is good enough for me.

Herr Humulus Hordeum

Wrestling Likeness: Jay Lethal

Okay, so Hordeum is the younger, potential-laden, “toolsy” brother of Slouch Sixpack, right? And Slouch is Randy Savage. Therefore, Hordeum is Jay Lethal, a still-young, multi-time champion for TNA who made a living for several years by doing a “Black Machismo” gimmick that was a direct tribute to Savage’s mannerisms. Now, Hordeum may or may not be a dreadlocked black man, but I can’t be expected to accurately represent every little facet of his being in wrestler form. I am only one man.

Czar Vladibeer S. Bootin’

Wrestling Likeness: A fusion of Nikolai Volkoff and Iron Sheik

Volkoff and Sheik are two of the all-time most identifiable “evil foreigner gimmicks” that pro wrestling ever produced. The Czar, who obviously hails from Russia, would no doubt insist on the singing of the Soviet national anthem before matches, as Volkoff did, but I expect he would also bring some Sheik-esque facial hair to the party. The only one who would have a chance of overcoming his obvious cheating behind the referee’s back would be a plucky, blue-eyed farm boy from the good ‘ole American heartland. He would probably have a name like “Freedom McClane.”

Piels

Wrestling Likeness: El Santo

As his profile on our “about” page states, Piels “is a riddle, shrouded in mystery, then wrapped in an enigma.” As such, I really don’t know anything about Piels. Given his level of mystery, though, it seems appropriate that he represent the ubiquitous “masked wrestler” on the list, one whose true identity is well hidden. And once we’ve ascertained that, it seems only fitting to make him perhaps the most famous, respected masked lucha libre wrestler of all time, the legendary El Santo. Only time will tell if he actually deserves this comparison to the great Santo, a burning beacon of hope to all of humanity.

Smiley Brown

Wrestling Likeness: Hornswoggle

I don’t know anything about Smiley Brown, but when I picture him in my head, he’s a dwarf. I’m not sure why. Hornswoggle does smile a lot, for what that’s worth.

Kid Carboy Jr.

Wrestling Likeness: Chris Jericho

Last, but certainly not least, I am Chris Jericho because I’m the well-rounded superstar who can do it all. I’m great on the mic, athletic, handsome, can play a face or heel at a moment’s notice, can play a bigger man or a smaller wrestler as the situation requires, win with a variety of different finishers; hell, I can even play in a metal band side project for 12 years. Jericho remains the first-ever WWE Undisputed Champion, which he achieved when he defeated The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin separately in the same night to claim each of their titles, thus unifying them into one belt. As Jericho likes to say…I am the best in the world at what I do.

————————————————————————————————————-

That’s it! Hope you wrestle-fans have gotten a kick out of this. See you within the confines of the squared circle. I’ll be the guy locking you in a Boston crab.

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2 comments

  1. beer-miester · · Reply

    Andre the Giant… rest in peace! Likeness = Growler

  2. Spot on, man. I promise to use my mountaintop laser for good and not evil.

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