SO IT TURNS OUT KRASH BREWERY ACTUALLY EXISTS

As you’ll likely recall, I had a lot of fun a few weeks ago compiling a list of some of the worst brewery websites on the internet. We live in an age where having a good website with actual, useful information is an inarguable necessity in operating a successful business, so it was fascinating to see just how badly some of them fell flat. Whether it was not being updated since 2006, having no information on the products, or just being an aesthetic nightmare, there was a little something for everyone.

Of those breweries that were listed on my post, perhaps the very worst was a tiny brewery in Riverside, California, called Krash Brewery. The site combines elements of everything that made up my criteria of awful: Incomplete beer information, buttons that don’t go anywhere, garish layout and grating sound effects on any button you click, broken links and what appears to be inscrutable Japanese kanji sprinkled about at random. It’s got everything!

In fact, when I was putting the website post together, I was so intrigued by the unique brand of bad that was on display that I wanted to get in contact with the people behind it, just to see what the hell happened. So I called the number that is listed for both of the staff members, Kirby and Dominico, and…nothing happened, because it was disconnected. But wait! Oddly, the “this line is disconnected” message offered me a second number in robot voice, which I then copied down and called, and…nothing happened, because that number was also disconnected.

As I perused the site and typed up my summary for the website post, I came to a conclusion: Krash Brewery couldn’t possibly be active today. I mean, they’ve got a Facebook profile that hasn’t been updated for two years. The Twitter hasn’t been updated in almost as long. The website is obviously useless. The phone doesn’t exist. Just to confirm my suspicions, I fired off a tester email to the two founders inquiring if the brewery was still active, figuring it would be bounced back with a “fatal error” (like Flying Monkey Beer did) in no time. It didn’t immediately, so I promptly forgot about it.

Two weeks later, I got an unexpected response from Kirby, to my original question. It read, simply, “Yes it is.”

I was shocked. Sincerely. I was honestly blown away that my email had actually reached the person behind that website, and even more surprised that Krash Brewery was apparently still kicking. What follows is the humorous series of emails I exchanged with Mr. Kirby. I think you’ll agree that I was an asshole toward him, but I think you probably also ought to agree that as a brewery owner, you probably shouldn’t call your customers “unworthy.”* Particularly when the general consensus on beer review sites is that your beer isn’t, you know…very good.

*Unless you’re Stone.

Enjoy the emails.

Kid@aleheads.com to kirby@krashbrewery.com

Hey there. Is Krash Brewery still operational? *

*I wish I had written more as an introduction here, but at this point I was quite certain my text was about to be bounced back at me.

———————————————————————-

Kirby@krashbrewery.com to kid@aleheads.com

Yes it is.*

*Such a font of information, no?

———————————————————————-

Kid@aleheads.com to kirby@krashbrewery.com

Wow.
 
…really?
 
Despite the fact that the Facebook page* hasn’t been updated in two years? And the twitter hasn’t been since March, 2010? And the broken website with the buttons that don’t go anywhere and telephone numbers that are disconnected?
 
What capacity, exactly does the brewery operate under? Is there a physical location somewhere, or is this contract brewing? To be honest, after seeing all of the elements of your online presence, my mind is utterly blown that this brewery still exists. I assumed that it had been completely shuttered and nobody had bothered to post anything about it anywhere. So you’re still selling beer, then?

*Stated goal: “to make the best beer in the World.”

———————————————————————-

kirby@krashbrewery.com to kid@aleheads.com

It’s my hobby business so we can feast or famine at will.  We are getting ready for a feast in 2012.*

*Not doing anything for a few years and then exploding into popularity is how all businesses make it, right? I’m serious when I say that nothing happened here in 2011. On beeradvocate there’s exactly one review of their beers in 2011. It contains the words “pretty crappy stuff.”

———————————————————————-

kid@aleheads.com to kirby@krashbrewery.com

So have you actually been making beer for the last couple of years, then? Or do you just call up the distributor one day (not sure what kind of self-distribution laws Cali has) and say “guess what, I’ve got some beer if you want it?”*

*At this point I’m actually not trying to screw with him anymore, I’m just curious if the business has been shuttered and is now starting up again. It seemed weird to me that they could just “sometimes” make beer and convince someone else to distribute it, so I figured it would have to be self-distributed. This was the point where I apparently started severely annoying him, though…

———————————————————————-

kirby@krashbrewery.com to kid@aleheads.com

Do you have something useful or are you just looking for a place to vent your asshole?*

*Alternate Aleheads slogan: “A Place to Vent Your Asshole.” He then sent a second email:

kirby@krashbrewery.com to kid@aleheads.com

If you  are interested in “Cali”* self distribution laws, here is a link to the “Cali” ABC license types: (link was here)

We are Type 23 which is a smaller version of Type 01.  Yes we can self distribute.  Even sell to people unworthy of drinking our beer.  The unworthy can even buy and drink it at their own caves.**

*Apparently it was unprofessional of me to abbreviate “California.” In actuality, I just didn’t want to admit I didn’t know how to spell it, particularly to someone who holds a degree in “Science,” according to the website.

**I just…don’t know if that’s the best thing you could be telling customers. It seems kind of bad.

———————————————————————-

kid@aleheads.com to kirby@krashbrewery.com

Hmmm. If Beeradvocate and Ratebeer are to be believed,* then it seems like “the unworthy” make up the bulk of the people who have had a chance to try your beer…
 
Maybe the slogan could read: “Krash Beer: We’d put ‘You’re Not Worthy’ on our bottles, but we don’t want Greg Koch to crush us under a pallet of bombers while we sleep.”

*Average Beeradvocate rating of 2.41/5, average Ratebeer rating of 2.85/5. Guess what else has a rating of 2.41 overall on beeradvocate? Bud Lite Lime. Believe it.

———————————————————————

kirby@krashbrewery.com to kid@aleheads.com

Maybe you should not believe everything you read and sample for yourself.  Reviews can be skewed by neighboring breweries posting bogus info.*

*”Maybe you should try some of the beer we haven’t let anybody know about for two years, but all the bottles were taken by members of the elaborate local conspiracy attempting to destroy us.”

———————————————————————

kid@aleheads.com to kirby@krashbrewery.com

You believe the neighboring breweries are trying to crush your self-described hobby business on the web?*

*They’re probably just disgusted by the website like the rest of us.

———————————————————————

And that was the end of our communication. I expect he didn’t want to give me any more information, having realized that I was in cahoots with the tangled web of conspirators who band together to do…something bad, anyway. I guess I am doing “something bad” right now, if you count posting the entirety of this conversation online. I prefer to focus on what we learned, though. I learned:

— Krash Brewery does exist, despite not making any kind of public announcement since January of 2010.

— Krash Brewery beers are widely disliked on the internet.

— Many people who drink Krash Brewery beer are “unworthy” in the eyes of the founder.

— The founder also believes that his reviews were purposely poisoned by “neighboring breweries posting bogus info.”  NOT COOL, neighboring breweries.

In summary: I am an asshole. But I also thought some people might find this amusing. And in a way, it’s almost inspiring. Because if a brewery with a website like Krash Brewery can be poised to “feast in 2012,” then I think we can all agree that this market is wide open for plenty of successful new breweries.

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6 comments

  1. Great bit of humour for a monday, cheered me right up, thanks!

  2. I am sure the IRS would be interested in knowing that he feels he is engaged in a hobby with no apparent profit motive, particularly if he has been treating expenses as deductible ordinary and necessary business expenses.

  3. “See they got the Big Mac, I got the Big Mick. We both got two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles and onions, but their buns have sesame seeds. My buns have no seeds.”

    You’re dealing with the McDowell’s to the McDonald’s of craft beer.

  4. Jimmy Hoppa · · Reply

    In other news, MillerCoors just announced a new “Vent your asshole” limited edition extra wide mouth can.

  5. Herr Hordeum · · Reply

    This made my day. Well, this and the Santorum beer article: http://www.politico.com/blogs/click/2011/12/rick-santorum-beer-connoisseur-107336.html

    To be fair, I have also not updated my Facebook page in two years, and I don’t have a Twitter account. On the bright side, I made four batches of beer this fall. Not exemplary by anyone’s definition, but probably more than these guys.

  6. BeerSoaked · · Reply

    Yes, this is exactly the type of post that keeps us coming back for more. You sir, are an asshole, but you’re our favorite asshole to read. Well, maybe not the favorite, but you’re in the top 10. Cheers!

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