LADY JAY AND THE PRIMARY FERMENTATION, ER…ELECTION

WHe's a connoisseur.ith all of the coverage of the 2012 presidential election, I began, naturally, to wonder: if the candidates were beers, what beers would they be? The knee-jerk reaction is to say, “They’re all Bud Light/Miller Light/Beer 30. Done. Let’s move on.” However, as a scientist, I oft feel the need to peer deep into the darkness of the unknown, even if the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the deadly light into the peace and safety of a new dark age (I also feel the need to blatantly rip off turn-of-the-century horror writers). Therefore, the following:

Newt Gingrich: With its creative, yet insane, ideas, there is no brewery that embodies Newt Gingrich more than perennial Aleheads punching bag Dogfish Head. And perhaps no beer typifies the Newt better than Burton Baton, with its schizophrenic blend of crotchety English-style old ale and young, frisky imperial IPA.

Jon Hunstman: As the candidate who warned Republicans not to be the anti-science party, Huntsman gets Wasatch Brewery’s Evolution Amber Ale from his home state of Utah. Plus yeah, because of the whole Mormon thing.

Ron Paul: He has a (reasonable) approach to legalization, and he’s willing to buck the shackles of authority. Ron Paul’s beer would be Lagunitas “Censored”, aka Kronik.

Mitt Romney: Having done his Mormon mission in France, saison is the style that comes to mind. Notoriously abandoning liberal ideas like socialized medicine once he embarked on a presidential campaign as Mitt did, Surly’s CynicAle seems fitting.

Rick Santorum: With its frothy, creamy, chocolaty head, Bell’s Expedition Stout is the natural choice for Rick Santorum. Kids, ask your parents or Google if you don’t understand why.

Michele Bachman: Dogfish Head strikes again, providing us with Michele Bachmann’s beer, Ginger Peach Wheat, a “lady beer” brewed with ginger peach black tea. She was a dedicated Democrat until notorious Georgia peach Jimmy Carter let her down, sending her in a long downward spiral to the Tea Party. And because I want to put my lips to this beer about as much as I’d want to put my lips to her.

Herman Cain: A limited release, C-rated beer for a limited release, C-rated candidate—Goose Island Black Walnut Lager. I quote the man himself:

Substance, that’s the difference. I got some substance here. Okay? I’m Häagen-Dazs black walnut. It lasts longer than a week.
–the big H.C.

Rick Perry: There are three beers that I couldn’t choose between for Texas’s beloved governor. With his folksy, everyman persona, the first is Coney Island’s Human Blockhead. Neustadt Springs’s Texas Tea (Texan, Tea Partier, oil addict) is the second, and the last one is…is…I forget. Oops.

Aleheads, what do you think? Are there better representative choices?

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3 comments

  1. I appreciate the Beer 30 reference. I guess I’m not the only one who has seen those.

    The logo is a clock, with every hour as “30.” The motto: “Any time is the right time!”

  2. I admit having to Google the Rick Santorum/stout reference. And being fond of Bell’s Expedition Stout, I would suggest that perhaps Weyerbacher’s Blithering Idiot might be a good choice for the former Pennsylvania senator.

  3. Herr Hordeum · · Reply

    Oh dear. We’re sorry we ruined your day.

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