It has come to the attention of the Aleheads PR division that “the wife beater,” otherwise known as Stella Artois to those stateside, has been singled out by Portland Communications, an ABInbev hired Lobbying company, for termination. According to a recent article from the Independent:
Under the user name Portlander10 it (Portland) removed reference to Stella Artois from the Wikipedia page entitled “wife beater” and replaced it with a generic reference to lager or beer. Portland also tried to remove the reference to wife beater on the Wikipedia page for Stella Artois. But other users spotted the edit and reversed it.
Here in the US of A Stella Artois is marketed as an upscale beer along with other ABInbev holdings Leffe and Hoegarten, and has subjected us to ridiculous ad campaigns that market it as “reassuringly expensive,” deserving of a “nine part pouring ritual”, and a reminder that “perfection has its price.” Go to any bar that sells jello shots and boasts of “2-for-1 Tuesdays” and ask the first gentleman in an Affliction shirt that you see which of the beer offerings are of higher quality and they will most likely answer “Stella, bro.” Though it stands against everything that an Alehead holds sacred, Stella Artois continues to be a well marketed and popular beer that, despite the fact that since its acquisition by ABInbev some say it has become a mere shadow if its former self, sells very well and has a loyal following of beer drinkers that don’t seem to mind.
Now in the UK, Stella has long been known as “the wife beater” due to its higher than normal alcohol content (around 6% vs the 4% range for standard UK lagers) and low price, and is oft associated with hooligans, scalliwags NEDs, and worst of all, the dreaded yobs, a far cry from its American image. ABInbev, surprisingly, doesn’t like this association and hired said lobbying firm to try and shake this nomenclature, starting with removal of the reference on the Stella Wikipedia page. Fortunately, the change didn’t last long and Stella once again has been slapped with this unsavory label, for all those on the internet to see.
In the aftermath of this, Aleheads crack PR team has been contacted by some major breweries* to develop monikers for other beers, to distract consumers from this awful Stella Artois branding fiasco and divert the attention of the beer drinking masses long enough for ABInbev’s PR team to clean up this nasty wife beater mess. We have started brainstorming, but between traveling the globe, running our “puppies for orphans” organization and bedding supermodels two at a time, there is only so much that we can do on our own. We turn to you, dear reader, to help us come up with the next great beer nickname.
So far, we have:
Bud Light- The dry humper
Bud Light Lime- The stripper
Michelob Ultra- The chestwaxer
PBR- The trustfunder
Natty Ice- The inbreeder
Coors Light- The Ice Cuber
Bud Light Platinum- The Ed Hardyer
Shock Top- The Jello Molder (A flavorless substance that is better if you shove fruit in it)
Mike’s Hard Lemonade- The Pre-teener (Or the Pederast)
Smirnoff Ice- The Armenian Clove Smoker
Coors Banquet beer- The Burt (Couldn’t think of a Smokey and the Bandit reference that ends in “er”)
Keystone- The freeloader
Leinkugel Shandy- The cheerleader
Blue Moon- The impersonator
Miller Lite- The underage-er
Nectar Hemp Ale- The hackey-sacker
Bud Light 55- The masochist (if you drink this you clearly derive pleasure from horrible things)
What else, Alehead nation?
*This clearly did not happen.