STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN- The Nobel Organization has announced that Sam Calagione of Delaware, USA, will receive the 2012 Nobel Peace prize for his efforts to break down barriers of exclusivity and oppression in the craft beer world. The Nobel Organization cites Calagione’s early 2012 impassioned screed, posted on the Beer Advocate forums, as the impetus for this honor which has also been bestowed upon the likes of Nelson Mandela, Henry Kissinger, and Mother Teresa. This is the highest honor to ever have been bestowed on a craft brewer.
Nobel Foundation Director Karl Hungussøn describes their decision process:
“We have a saying here in Sweden “elitistisk öl sköljning,” which translates to “elitist beer douche,” that represents a problem that has plagued the craft beer world for the past few years. We had this trend, this horrible trend, where people, usually single men between the ages of 18 and 35, who just a year ago were drinking pale macro lagers, going onto the internet and defecating on anything and everything craft beer wise that wasn’t brewed in a limited edition of only 2 cases or had to be obtained on the gray market from Flemish monks. They would go on forums and proclaim breweries as “overrated” or “sell outs” if their beer was enjoyed by anyone outside of their immediate circle of undersexed, lonely friends, completely disregarding the fact that beer is meant to be enjoyed by everyone and that brewers, just like any other business, need to make a living.”
Nobel Foundation VP of publicity Walter Søbchakstrom:
“They crafted this arbitrary rating system and would give good craft beers ratings like 3.2568, yet not one of them could tell you what the ratings actually meant. By 2011, this horrible trend had reached a tipping point, when some unemployed virgin beardo in a stained Blind Pig T-shirt declared Bells, Founders, Three Floyds, Surly, Russian River, Dogfish Head, Bruery, Avery, Cigar City and Mikkeller to all be overrated. That was a dark day in the world of craft beer. Many brewers felt that there was no reason to go on, as the words of this portly basement dweller resonated harshly across the internet. Industry analysts went as far as to declare this as the end of craft beer as we know it. One independent brewer, who shall go unnamed, confided in me that he was considering switching over to cider-making, but knew that it was only a matter of time before the craft cider hipster assholes took the fun out of that, too.”
“Then one day in January, Sam Calagione entered the vipers nest that is the Beer Advocate Forum and delivered what academics and normal beer drinkers consider to be the deafening blow to the pompous, so called “beer geeks.” In a 594 word diatribe that both mocked and deconstructed the faulty logic which had been so prevalent on said forums, Calagione ripped into the overtly critical masses who clearly have never run a business and know nothing about marketing or growth, yet feel inclined to scoff at any move a brewery makes to grow their product or business or try something new. His closing remark, “respect beer,” resonated far and wide as others on the internet gained word of this impassioned discourse and gathered to mock the masses of “craft beer lovers” that complain incessantly about said craft beer.
Calagione managed to, in 594 words, point out what a lot of us have been thinking, but didn’t know how to say, that a lot of these self proclaimed “beer geeks,” who carry notebooks to bars and criticize everything are not a lot of fun to be around, let alone share a beer with. Folks like this tend to ruin the fun in everything, from music to food, you name it, and a sense of snobby exclusivity towards anything doesn’t do anyone any favors. These brewers are normal guys trying to make a living and create a product they can be proud of, and when people who have no idea what they are talking about gang up and criticize every move they make, it doesn’t help anyone.
“After all, its just beer. Lighten up and have fun, you dicks.”
Calagione could not be reached for comment, as he was in the midst of brewing a beer based on a recipe he found crudely etched on the wall of a cave in remote Siberia and could not be disturbed.
When asked for comment, Hipster Beer Douche snarked that the Nobel Prize was overrated then muttered something about Pliny before shuffling off to tell each and every brewer at a local beer fest exactly what was wrong with their products.