Let’s face it, you NEVER have enough beer money available to buy all of the tasty suds you want. Craft beer is delicious, but it can also be a tad pricey. So you scrimp and save and splurge on the weekend…and an hour later, you’ve consumed everything you bought and are left sniffing the hop aromas from empty bottles and weeping.*
*What, you don’t do this? Am I alone here?
Well have no fear Alehead Nation! Doc and Barley are here to help you earn all of the beer money you need. If you follow our list below, you’ll practically be swimming in craft beer!*
*Note: Do NOT swim in craft beer. That’s just wasteful.
DOC AND BARLEY PRESENT: 50 WAYS TO AFFORD YOUR CRAFT BEER OBSESSION
- Gay porn (obviously).
- Lemonade stand, which of course is just a front for money laundering.
- Dead hooker disposal service (assuming your town isn’t already saturated with dead hooker disposal services).
- Six to ten hours per day at pokergames.com – Come on, the membership fee pays for itself!
- Pay for craft beer? Doesn’t every package store have an unguarded loading dock?
- Marry beyond your station and be a very, very good boy/girl.
- Get a real job. Wait, no, don’t do that. That’s a terrible idea.
- Get an MBA, try to get a better job, try to make more money. Or just stick with the gay porn thing. Way less humiliating.
- Sell out to Tenth and Blake. Sure, life’s dream squandered, but more pocket money for good beer brewed by someone with an intact soul.
- Wait, you read this far? How are you not playing online poker games right now. Did you miss number 4?
- Blood bank. Assuming anyone will take your alcohol-laden plasma.
- Sperm bank. Assuming anyone will take your alcohol-laden man-seed.
- Harvest your eggs. Hey, women drink craft beer too!
- Donate organs that are unnecessary for drinking (e.g.: lungs, gall bladder, lymph nodes, spleen). Hang onto your liver and kidneys though. You’ll want those.
- Even better, donate your friends’ organs. Does the Commander REALLY need a head?
- Be super rich.
- Get seed capital from friends and family. Start a nano-brewery with your blood, sweat and tears. Make a name for yourself with your high-quality offerings. Get a bank to float you a loan to expand your operations. Toil for endless hours until you’re running an efficient production brewery. Find local venture capitalists to fund your expansion into a regional powerhouse. Flood the market with your well-received, cleverly marketed products. Once you’ve reached the pinnacle of your profession, most other brewers will let you drink for free at their breweries. Ha ha! That was SO easy!
- Write a book on Beerds.
- Sell your clothes, house, car and worldly possessions. When you have beer, what more do you need? Oh no! You sold your bottle opener! Why? WHY?!?! It’s not fair!!!
- Two words: Black-market infants. Wait…is “black-market” one word or two? Does the hyphen make it one word? Is it even hyphenated? You know what. This one was a bad idea to begin with. Never mind.
- Three words: Black market infants.
- Put on hipster glasses, an ironic T-shirt, skinny jeans, and Doc Martens. Walk into your local brewery and tell them you’re a critic for the “Brew York Times” (or the “Wort Street Journal”) and that you’re writing a feature piece on them that requires you to sample everything they brew.
- Scrawl “Need Money for Expensive Craft Beer” on a cardboard sign and stand at a high-traffic corner. You’d be surprised how much people will give you! (Note: They will give you nothing.)
- Go on Wipeout. Try to win without incurring brain damage.
- Become a master chef. Start an award-winning restaurant. Wow critics and high-class patrons alike with your daring, innovative takes on Asian/French-fusion cuisine. Go on Top Chef Masters and destroy the competition. Donate all of your earnings to the “Craft Beer For Me Fund”.
- Join Aleheads.com and hope one of the more gullible Aleheads (wink wink, Kid Carboy) will mail you beer when you keep promising to return the favor but never do.
- Do you have a piggy bank? No? Do your children? Nice.
- Write a popular fantasy series about either boy wizards or dragons and sex. Or boy wizards having sex with dragons! Boom!
- Become a cutpurse. Also, travel back to the 19th century when there was such a thing as a cutpurse.
- Quit drinking so you don’t need to buy craft beer.
- Ha ha! Sorry, I couldn’t even write that last one with a straight face.
- Set aside an appropriate amount of money from your salary each week to support an interest that is important to you but shouldn’t overwhelm your life. Use this small allowance to purchase a bomber or two a week to sample with friends over good conversation and dinner. Perhaps once a month, head to your local beer bar and try some new styles or go to your local brewery to sample a flight. Be thoughtful and conservative with your beer expenditures and remember that it’s just a hobby.
- Oh good lord…that one was even HARDER to write without laughing than #30!
- Have a wealthy Governor for a father and then become the CEO of Bain Capital. Put thousands of Americans out of work by gutting companies and sending their jobs overseas. Spend your blood money on craft beer to fill up the void where your soul should be. Oh wait! You can’t drink! You’re a Mormon!
- Gay porn. What? We already said that? Well it’s still a good idea!
- Just slip out the back, Jack, make a new plan, Stan. Don’t need to be coy, Roy. Sorry, that’s 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover. Although, making a new plan, Stan, could potentially help you purchase craft beer. In fact…
- Make a new plan, Stan. But make sure this plan involves you earning lots of money with which to purchase delicious craft beer. And punch that motherfucker Roy in the face for his continued coyness. What is he, a geisha?
- Invent the iPhone 5 before Apple does. Give it one of those retro, spiral antennas. Those were cool.
- Learn to homebrew. Your friends tell you it’s SO much cheaper than buying beer. Except, of course, it isn’t. Not at all. Because you keep buying more gadgets. Like a wort chiller. And a digital thermometer. And a stir plate. Why did I need a stir plate?!?! I don’t know shit about growing my own yeast culture! Aaaah!
- Convince Warren Buffett that you’re his long-lost nephew, Jimmy Buffett. He’s old…maybe he’ll throw you a few hundred thou.
- Convince Jimmy Buffett that you’re his long-lost nephew, Warren Buffett. He’s hammered on margaritas, maybe he’ll throw you a few hundred thou.
- Break into Garrett Oliver’s house. Steal his cravats. 8 metric tons of silk should fetch you a pretty price in Damascus.
- Go work for a package store. Doc and Barley did this for awhile. The manager had NO idea how much of the store’s beer they were drinking! Also, make sure the manager is Doc.
- After you finish a tasty glass of craft beer, just piss into a bottle and re-drink it. It will still taste better than Miller Lite.
- Find a wedding where they’re serving a lot of craft beer. Sneak in and drink the remnants left on the bottoms of all the glasses on the table. It’s gross, but the Aleheads used to do this at Bar Mitzvahs when we were little.
- Put all of those hours you spent playing Goldeneye, Halo and Splinter Cell to work and become a highly-paid assassin. Oh right, I forgot that you’re too fat and out-of-shape to be an assassin from all of those hours you spent playing Goldeneye, Halo and Splinter Cell. Maybe you should go see a doctor?
- Try out for the Yankees. Even if you don’t make the team, you can always steal A-Rod’s wallet. If you DO make the team, please sabotage all of your games…because fuck the Yankees.
- Peel the labels off your old beer bottles. Go on Antiques Roadshow. Tell the appraiser they’re the beer bottles that Abraham Lincoln was slamming RIGHT before he got Boothed. Hope the appraiser is really stupid and values them at millions of dollars. If he calls for security, smash the bottles over his head and yell “Sic semper tyrannis!”
- Be a really attractive woman. They don’t pay for drinks.
- Make a deal with the devil. After all, what good is a soul if you don’t have craft beer?
What else would you do to afford craft beer Alehead Nation? Let us know!